A Guest Post from Lorna Helps on her Good Girl Deprogramming Journey.
When I first read Good Girl Deprogramming I felt fired up.
Here was a book that explained why, I, as an independent, capable woman also simmered with resentment I didn’t understand and couldn’t articulate.
But initially it also left me overwhelmed as the changes needed seemed so huge and in my mind required massive shifts in society before I could become a rebel woman.
Speaking to Michelle about this overwhelm, she counselled me to focus on the small stuff first.
“Mark down how many times you say ‘sorry’ or use the word ‘just’ and then reduce it, ask yourself ‘am I the only person that could do this or can I delegate or ask for help’ or have a discussion with someone whose opinions differ from yours.”
None of these are rocket science or new ideas – but what was new was the understanding of why I constantly apologised, felt I had to do everything myself (being independent) and avoided any kind of conflict or disagreement.
I committed to posting daily about Good Girl Deprogramming and my journey on Facebook.
I knew this would give me the accountability I needed, but I hadn’t appreciated the other support this would also give me on my journey.
These include:
Keeping awareness of the topic top of mind every day, helping me notice both situations and my responses that I ordinarily wouldn’t. Like how many times I start sentences with ‘sorry’ when there is nothing to apologise for.
By sharing what I was doing, friends and family would pull me up on good girl behaviour when I didn’t notice.
It started fascinating conversations that has helped me grow and develop critical thinking. Societal norms don’t just impact women negatively but men too, which I was aware of but this experience has really reinforced this for me with concrete examples.
I realised my frustrations, particularly around strategic exhaustion, resonated with many others and I feel so much stronger knowing I am not alone (or over reacting).
Hearing how others were also changing their behaviour, speaking up when in the past would have stayed quiet, putting in boundaries and reducing the use of the word ‘sorry’ has encouraged me to keep going.
All in all it’s made me realise that tiny changes on a daily basis have a huge ripple effect, aside from the fact I now realise my conditioned response isn’t my only option.
And that feels great.
Not only that but the Good Girl Quiz backs this up as I have shifted from Navigating woman to Rebel Woman in 6 months (see table below).
Not the end of the journey by a long shot but it is huge progress and well worth celebrating!
Area | Dec 2023 | July 2024 |
Establishing Trust | Rebel Woman (38) | Rebel Woman (33) |
Social Isolation | Rebel Woman (38) | Rebel Woman (38) |
Control of Information | Good Girl (71) | Navigating Woman (58) |
Strategic Exhaustion | Good Girl (63) | Rebel Woman (38) |
Ever Shifting Requirements | Navigating Woman (42) | Rebel Woman (29) |
Incentives and Selective rewards | Navigating Woman (50) | Rebel Woman (38) |
Power and Domination | Good Girl (75) | Navigating Woman (42) |
Threats | Navigating Woman (42) | Rebel Woman (38) |
Weaponised Shame & Degradation | Navigating Woman (46) | Rebel Woman (33) |
Overall | Navigating Woman (51) | Rebel Woman (38) |
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